Sometimes I forgot that you’re not alive anymore,

And I wish that when I reply your message you’d reply me back

(I just remember that one night I had a dream about you,

replying stupid messages in our chat group)

What If

What if

I told you

That I

Am not interested

In whatever

Event that you make

Because you

Demand a lot

Of my time

That I

Should be spending

With those

Who are close to me

And deserve

My full attention


That 15 Years More We Had Together

“Check my IG story.”

I was about to sleep when I saw a message from Arnold. So I checked. What about it? He’s a businessman so his first stories are mostly about his business, but then i stopped at a picture. A picture of you and your wife with a glaring RIP sign on it.

Holy. Moly. I was so wide awake. Without further thinking, I dialed his number. I asked what happened.

Of course, the pandemic took you away.

Then I saw your last message with Arnold. That you said goodbye before you’re going in ventilator.

You said thanks for everything.

Yeah, thank you, too. I wish I could say that. Thank you for being nice to me when most people don’t. Thank you for always being nice even when everyone is nice to me now. Thank you for the book talks. Thank you for asking what did I read recently. Thank you for sharing stupid book you’ve read. Thank you for sharing the joy of adoring the madness of Junji Ito’s work. Thank you for the good memories recently and back then, when I was still a junior high school student and you’re a uni student. Thank you for everything we wrote in GI forum, all those fiction we made together. You know I always think that you’re one of a wordsmith. Thank you for asking me things and listening my thoughts. Thank you for making me human.

You might be an asshole, as you often say about yourself. But the all the memories of your kindness linger.

We haven’t talked for almost a year but knowing that you’re gone hits me hard.

I never thought that hearing that you’re gone would break my heart.

We’ve been friends for more than 15 years. Knew you since you’re ugly and skinny until you’re fat, prosperous, and cutting your hair at Ryoji Sakate.

It’s hard to say it, I think you know why.

But all I can say now is, goodbye.

in memoriam of Andi Ichsan a.k.a. Excalibest