Everytime I get sick, I think I might be dead.
This is not the first time.
When I was 35 weeks pregnant, I had early contraction and I thought I was going to be dead, giving birth to my daughter too fast.
But I didn’t – my daughter can hold on for 3 more weeks inside my belly, and no one dies when I was in labor.
Last week, I thought I would be dead. Again.
My cough hasn’t stopped for about 3 weeks despite my doctor already prescribed some antibiotics and expectorants, the whole family was sick and I was so tired but I really had no time to do that 😂 Everyone needs to be fed, taken care of. Not to mention that I have projects to finish.
I’ve been having fever for about 4 days the week before and at one point I couldn’t even get up off my bed. Maybe I fainted or fell asleep – I didn’t know. I knew it was bad that I didn’t even have the strength to bathe my children. But anyway, I feel like everyone in the house is in denial with my sickness because, well, you know. Mothers are not allowed to get sick.
So I sucked it up, thinking that it was not that bad and carry on. I might be tired but I’m not sick, I said to myself. Sickness is only state of mind.
But that day, my body cried for help. I didn’t stop coughing, I started to breathe difficultly and I had this headache that I can’t even stand straight.
So we rushed to the hospital to see my pulmonologist.
She said that I was so pale – I look really bad. Last week with worse cough and stuff, I still look ok. But today, no. She was so worried and send me to the lab for a blood test. And she recommend myself to get hospitalized.
After bloodtests, reading my rontgen, and examining me, she said that there is something in my right lung – perhaps a fluid. She has to perform USG to confirm it, and if it is confirmed, she has to suck the fluid inside my lungs with needles. Then she will have the fluid to be tested to confirm my illness.
Unfortunately She can’t perform USG on weekend, so she will do that on Monday. Meanwhile, she treated me with antibiotics via IV.
I remember my previous pulmonologist told me that I had tumor in my right lung and she needs to confirm that via CT Scan, but I didn’t do that because I was pregnant that time. And I didn’t buy the idea that I have tumor – I just simply don’t believe that.
So I asked her. What if this thing in my lung is not a fluid?
She said, It could be a tumor. That’s the worst case. In fact, if you didn’t ask, I won’t tell you. Because what is important for the patients is their positive minds. So please be positive, I will conduct the tests one by one to find out what it is, but let’s just think simple and not think too far.
Is it a tumor or is it not a tumor? If it is, will I die? How long do I have until I die?
Doesn’t matter. What’s left is just regret… Allah already know how He wants me to die. So, how come I am here with very little good deeds to bring to my grave?
I tried not to think about tumors. My pulmonologist said that she will consult sone of my data to internist to check if I have another infection that makes me so weak.
The headache kicked in and I fell asleep.
Then it was confirmed that besides that fluid inside my lungs, I suffer typhoid fever too.
Two days after I got into the hospital, my pulmonologist performed USG scan of my lungs, but she could not find a fluid. Good sign, she said. But still, I have trouble in breathing and my lung still feels like burning almost all the time.
What is this, am I going down with this illness?
She asked me to have rontgen tomorrow to recheck the impression of my lungs.
My mother and husband were so happy that I didn’t have to puncture my lungs for some fluids. I did not know that it was that serious to them.
Then that tomorrow came, but I was so weak because of the typhoid fever. But somehow I managed to do some rontgents. Then the day after that, my pulmonologist confirmed that I suffer pneumonia lobaris.
That pneumonia type that infect your whole lobe of lung. Crazy. I didn’t know that I can suffer this kind of illness.
So, not tuberculosis? I asked.
I had TB before and I was so concerned that it stroke me back, but the doctor said that she can’t tell right now.
That time I was so weak with the lung infection and typhoid fever, so it might be too fast to judge that. But she will see, after I recovered from the typhoid fever, if my lungs condition doesn’t show any progress, then she might say that it is TB.
But for now, pneumonia lobaris.
So she cranked up all the medication dose in hope that I will feel better soon
And finally on my 5th day at the hospital finally my health show some improvement, and I thought maybe I wasn’t going to die by this illness. And then the doctor let me out on 7th day.
Out of hospital, still alive. Weak, but alive.
Allah stripped down my sins and postponed my death. Another second chance.
How do I manage to use that to avoid his hell and toward his heaven?
Second chance and illnesses.
Maybe that’s his way to tell me,
“You actually have a chance to die in my way.”
And after all the second chances you gave me, how do I manage to get your blessing in life and death?